Somewhere in my drafts folder there’s a partly-finished post in which I rank the months of the year from worst to best. January is…not the worst, despite the (Northern Hemisphere) weather and the long, long wait until it’s Christmas again.
Oh, it’s still in the bottom half. But the new year actually gives me a bit of a boost as I recommit to fixing what’s wrong in my life and making what’s good about my life even better. Yes, Mr. DeGrasse Tyson, I know it’s a completely arbitrary date on the calendar. And if you want to make some changes, there’s no reason to wait until the ball doesn’t drop at 1740 Broadway.
But I do it anyway. At least, I try.
There’s the perennial resolution to get in shape and lose weight. This time last year I was ten or twelve pounds heavier than I am now, and I have since taken up lumbering running, so I made some progress in 2022. But as long as I’m still heavier than NFL players, there’s work to be done.
And there’s the usual stuff about trying new things and going new places, sticking to a new budget and not wasting so much money, and taking better care of my appearance. (Maybe buying clothes somewhere besides Costco in 2023.)
But there are three things I think I really need to work on in the new year, for the sake of my own mental health and for that of everyone who has to deal with me.
Number one: learn to love being wrong.
I hate, hate, hate being wrong. When I’m supremely confident about something and I put my opinion on the web for millions hundreds of people to see, only for it to blow up in my face, I feel completely humiliated and dispirited.
But no one gets things 100% correct. Some have a much better batting average than others, but if you’ve literally gotten everything in your life correct, you must have been given a sports almanac by your future self or something.
So, I have to accept that I’m going to get things badly wrong. Scratch that: I want to love being wrong about things.
Real life is a stern, unforgiving, but extremely effective teacher. If I’ve been mistaken, I should be thankful that events have come along to set me straight, instead of clinging to my long-held position in the hope that something may come up at the last minute to put things right.
The 1993, 2003 and 2013 versions of me would be shocked by some of the things I know and believe today. I’ve grown a lot, even if my Spotify playlist might suggest someone hopelessly stuck in the past.
Number two: be brave and call bullshit.
Now for the flipside: while I must accept that I’m badly mistaken about some things, I should also live up to this motto coined by the Fifth Column podcast guys.
There is one thing more stressful than finding out you were dead wrong about something, and that’s keeping your mouth shut for fear of other people getting angry at you, and then lamenting that you chickened out instead of standing up for yourself and your moral code.
That doesn’t mean I should shoot my mouth off without any thought about the consequences. Being a “brave truth-teller” can often be just another way of being an insufferable prick. But instead of feeling lonely when I’m clearly in the minority about something, I should feel liberated. Contrarianism for its own sake is a dead end, but even recent history is littered with cases where the much-maligned dissident turned out to be right all along.
If anyone hates me because of one opinion, well, that’s their loss.
Number three: remember that most people are good. Seriously.
The thing is, I’ve surely lost out on many personal and professional relationships because I was so quick to take offence to what people said. I sneer about “snowflakes” as much as anyone, but the fact is, I am as fragile a snowflake as anyone.
The worst thing about the internet, especially about social media, is that it’s led me to see everyone as a potential threat instead of a potential ally or friend. I’ve seen so many angry online mobs targeting and cancelling people, sometimes for the slightest of reasons, that I find myself assuming everyone I meet in the “real” world is ready to do the same if I put one foot wrong.
But most people, whether on- or offline, simply aren’t looking for a fight. Yes, there are poor souls whose brains have been thoroughly fried by Twitter - check out the truly unhinged responses when a public figure, from either major party, posts a Christmas photo of his or her family - or were apparently born with the part of the brain responsible for empathy sorely underdeveloped. Bad people have always been with us, and always will be.
Are bad people the majority, however? Not even close. Wrong about things, absolutely. As I wrote above, we all are. But that doesn’t make a person evil.
Most of us are just trying to make sense of the world and do what we think is best for ourselves and our loved ones. And none of us had exactly the same upbringing, so we cannot say what we might think and do had a few things gone differently.
More than anything, that’s what I want to keep in mind throughout 2023 and beyond. Instead of immediately taking offence, I should at least make some effort to understand where the offence giver is coming from.
Even if I will never agree with him or her, that person might still be worth knowing and following. In the worst-case scenario, where some people are truly malignant and apparently beyond the point of redemption, understanding how they tick might help us see the warning signs and hopefully set them right while there’s still time.
Happy New Year to all of you, and thanks again for your patronage. It’s been a tremendous pleasure.
Yeah, all of that.
Good advice. All of it. Happy New Year.