Except for Mariah Carey and the latest holiday releases from popular artists who’ll be forgotten this time next year, the Christmas song canon hasn’t changed much since I was in elementary school.
And there many of them I’m perfectly happy to never hear ever again. But a handful manage to get past my thoroughly jaded outer shell and instill in me at least a little bit of holiday spirit, at least until some guy in a Ram 1500 cuts me off and what cereal box did you get your drivers licence from you £π#@$%¥?!?
Paul McCartney - “Wonderful Christmastime”
This is good. Fight me.
Okay, fine, it's bad. Objectively bad. The Cute Beatleᵀᴹ probably write it while he was shaving one morning and has made enough money off it to buy another castle.
So why it is on this list? Because no other song takes me back to the house I lived in as a child, getting the artificial Christmas tree ready for the big day. (A “traditional” Christmas for me involves a fake tree. Maybe someday I'll get one painted pink.)
Elton John - “Step Into Christmas”
Unlike many rock and pop legends’ Christmas tunes, which sound like they were written in a half hour over lunch (see above) this one sounds like some actual effort was involved in the writing process.
Elton John has been around so long we take him for granted, but it’s startling to look at his discography and marvel at the absolutely insane chart run he had for the first half of the seventies. No wonder the lasses can’t keep their hands off him. (Who wanted to tell them?)
Simani - “The Mummers’ Song”
You know that scene in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure where Pee-Wee proves to Dottie he’s in Texas by yelling “the stars at night are big and bright” and everyone responds [clap clap clap] “deep in the heart of Texas?”
You can do the same thing in my home province by calling out, “things have gone modern, I ‘spose that’s the cause.”
Jim Reeves - “Old Christmas Card”
His wife hasn’t got the heart to tell him that instead of looking through “thousands of cards” to find the perfect one, she just grabbed the first card she saw at Dollarama.
That’s how I pick out Christmas cards, anyway.
José Feliciano - “The Cherry Tree Carol”
Feliciano holds a place in pop culture similar to Reeves and Brenda Lee - and, maybe in twenty or thirty years, Mariah Carey. He had several “regular” hit songs, but is now remembered almost exclusively for a Christmas song.
The thing is, “Feliz Navidad” - which I am quite tired of, unless it’s played over Sesame Street characters figure skating - isn’t even his best Christmas song. Not even close.
Andy Williams - “Happy Holidays”
Nelson Muntz was right. By the way, I was well into my forties when it finally hit me that the theme song for the “steamed hams” scene is based on this, and now I can’t unhear it.
Bonus: this exists.
It would have been better if they combined these specials into one and Mr. T went to Finland looking for Santa. Though now that I think about it, they might have had trouble getting him on the plane.
God, I miss the eighties so much.
“Christmas in the Harbour” - Gary O’Driscoll/The Punters
The Punters’ version has become better known, the original - which, sadly, doesn’t seem to be on YouTube - is better. As per usual.
Does this overly romanticize and sentimentalize life in outport Newfoundland? Yes. Does it work? Even as a Townie (worse: a Mount Pearlian) I say, absolutely yes.
Payolas - “Christmas is Coming”
This one, from a criminally underrated Canadian New Wave band (whose lineup included super-producer Bob Rock) isn’t even on Spotify last time I checked. That’s too bad, because we’ve all gone through Christmases after a breakup and/or going through financial or work troubles, and this captures that melancholy feeling perfectly.
Crash Test Dummies - “The First Noel”
When I first heard this I thought it was meant as a joke, coming from a band whose music has often expressed religious skepticism and whose lead singer sounds like Lurch. But if it’s a joke they play it perfectly straight, and it is magnificent.
“Weird” Al Yankovic - “Christmas At Ground Zero”
That Weird Al is still relevant forty years after “Eat It” proves that the world really isn’t all bad.
Dermot O'Reilly - “A Children’s Winter”
The third Newfoundland-adjacent song on this list is the saddest, in its own way. I still love Christmas, but I lament that I'll never recapture the way I felt about it before I grew up.
That's it for regular posting in 2023. I might write something later this month if anything really crazy happens (and it most certainly will) but it will be the new year before this newsletter is firing on all cylinders again.
I’m also not doing any year-end recaps until the year is actually over. I still remember when the Ceausescus were overthrown and shot on Christmas Day 1989 - the second-best Christmas ever, after 1983 when I got my ColecoVision - after most media outlets and writers had already released their year-in-review special issues.
Have a great Christmas (or whatever winter holiday you celebrate) and here's to a great - and hopefully uninteresting - 2024.